The party went off on Friday night.  Doors opened at seven, which means that I didn't get my first guest until eight o'clock.  I was a bit wigged by that, but the steady influx of people calmed me down about that.  Just about everybody in the world was there: kemidra , babyraven , notshakespeare , feanor1138 , mouserobot , macgrrl , scattereddark , twilight_spirit ,  and a ton of people that don't have LJ accounts as well. 

I didn't really have a plan for the evening.  I had video game systems present, which people partook of, and I had food for people to eat.  I also had a little bit of booze, which grew exponentially in numbers when Zoe/ macgrrl and her boyfriend Kevin came around.  That, on top of the constant smoking of half the people at the party made the place feel like a bar.  This was a good thing. 

I did have fun.  I didn't get drunk at all, which I'm feeling pretty okay about.  The fact that I can remember every part of the evening is a pretty good thing.  It also seems that most other people had fun. 

My good friend Craig (lacking in LJ identity, but having a pretty website all his own) brought me a sketch book and an incredible new marker as gifts.  Craig said I should play with them for a couple of minutes to see how I liked them.  Two full-page sketches later and it was on.  A little group of people circled around me while I drew and we talked a little bit about art and theory.  I was in my territory and it felt great to talk about things like the artist's eye and visual language. 

The party did get a little whacky.  When Craig's friend Brent accidentally broke a dining table chair, then started stomping on the broken remains, which was met by people shouting lines from 300... well, things got loud.  The remains of the chair sit on my dining room table, the bones of some fallen prey snapped and broken. 

The evening wound down at around one in the morning.  The stragglers took off and Craig, Simai, Camden and I sat around and watched some Aqua Teen Hunger Force for a little while.  I climbed in to bed at a little before two and read myself to sleep. 

I am very thankful for everyone coming over and sharing my birthday with me, which I kept insisting on telling people whenever they were nearby.  To the point where Jill needed to tell me to stop thanking her for being there.  I couldn't help it though.  I know everyone there was a friend, and I'm thankful that they all came. 

And on another, completely different and hopefully cheerier subject...

I'm thinking about having a birthday party.  My birthday is 9th february, which this year falls on a friday.  So I was considering having a little bit of a bash that evening at my place. 

In truth, I'm not normally the kind of guy that celebrates his birthday.  I normally actually start rounding up my age aroung the turn of the year and then generally forget about my birthday until my parents take me out for some kind of birthday-related dinner thing.  This year... well, yeah.  Things changed. 

So how do people feel about friday, 9th february at my place?  Standard Rules of Party apply:  Gifts are not required nor expected, the bringing of specialty food items would be greatly appreciated.  Comment here or email me and tell me your thoughts. 

Holy crap, boutell makes the tasty foods.  Some kind of tofu thing, in a curry Thai coconut milk sauce, with rice and asparagus.  Spinach salad.  Vegan chocolate cake. 

My, my, my.  People, when you cook for me, you will now have to bring your A-game. 

A couple of people asked about the playlist that I employed at Tee Vee Partee, as apparently Ihave excellent taste in music.  I was already under the impression that everyone knew how cool I am. 

This past new years eve brunch brought with it the creation of (what I know as) a new alcoholic beverage, the delicious Cranosa!

Named by Neil, the beverage is simply equal parts champagne, orange juice, and cranberry juice.  One drinks these until one gets that nice warm numbness in ones body.  You then have won the right to drink more of these. 

While drinking Cranosas, it is customary to discuss things that one would normally find socially unacceptable, like the mime holocaust or the "junk funk" of an older man wearing a black velour tracksuit, a gold chain, and nothing else. 

Cranosas will be served at the Tee Vee Partee, of course. 

It's a new year.  One which Star hasn't seen, as vis_major was so astute as to point out.  This had been a thought on my mind as well and I have to confide that I had been dreading New Year's.

I didn't like the idea that I was going to be in a month, let alone a year, that Star hadn't seen.  She'd never had the chance to date something with a little 1/2007 or something.  I was going somewhere that she couldn't, and that just doesn't seem right. 

We hadn't really talked about it much.  We were too concerned with getting through the christmas fandango to discuss New Year's, but I do know that we would have gone to Sex Dwarf for the Eve bash.  All of her/our/now my friends would have been there, she loved the club like crazy and I liked to watch her dance. 

I hadn't thought about New Year's since Star died.  Actually, that's a lie. I'd silently dreaded New Year's and wanted desperately to think of anything else.  The ball dropping, the cheers, the kissing.  All of that was... well, it was painful. 

My plan was to hide out in my apartment.  Possibly play some video games.  Then likely crawl into bed and fine a way to miserable myself to sleep.  This is not how things worked out. 

Dan had fallen ill.  He had a throat/nose/fever thing that was quite terrible.  Barely talking, sweating and pale, Dan was obviously not going to make it to the bash.  Neil insisted that I take his ticket and go.  I waffled for a little bit, but then thought to myself that maybe this was right, that I sohuld be there. 

Not that Dan being sick was right, mind you.  I'm not happy that Dan is sick and am actually still quite worried. 

So I go over the Ravipinto/McGarry residence and pick up the ticket.  Then Neil and I get into what would become a two and a half hour long conversation about life, gaming, Star, and other bits of importance.  We were in his dining room, talking over plates of delicious brown rice and veggies, when Neil said something very smart.  Something to the effect of "If I don't learn from Star and live my life to the fullest , then it'll be like Star meant nothing."

It's funny how absolutely right that is, and how I hadn't thought of it.  If I just curl up in a box somewhere, then how is that a true legacy for Star?  What does that say about her and how important she is to me?  It hit me in an almost literal way.  I felt Neil's words in my stomach flipping around like butterflies and dragonflies. 

The two of us headed over to the club at around nine o'clock.  We ate food, we drank drinks, we had a toast to Star that involved drinking to her and then immediately dancing.  Upstairs was still covered in the stars that the DJ Robert Drake southstman had put up from the previous Sex Dwarf event in memory of Star.  I found myself grateful to at least be surrounded by her.  And it felt okay.  Not great, but okay. 

I did my favourite thing to do at clubs: stand off to the side on a riser and watch everyone dance.  I love feeling that energy, when everyone bumps and sways with the music and becomes a synchopated machine.  When it reaches a pitch, that's when I go in and start sweating and grinding.  And I learned how to dance at gay night clubs, so most of my dance moves involve the sweating and the grinding. 

As midnight hit I leaned against a wall, missing her, and shouted along with New Year's Day by U2. 

"All is quiet on New Year's Day,
A wolrd in white gets under way.
Oh, I want to be with, be with you night and day,
but nothing changes on New Year's Day."

Of course it had to be that song that greeted the new year. 

It was time for me to go, so I walked through the crowd and grabbed Josh and Jill/babyraven and Sam/mouserobot and hugged them and said happy new year.  I made my way to the stairs back down when I turned back to Sam and we smiled at each other.  Then he lifted up his hands and threw the devil horns.  I couldn't fight back my smile and put my horns out to him. 

On the way down the stairs I looked down, as I always do because I'm a down-walker, and I saw on the carpeting a little star sticker.  I picked it up and put it in my pocket. 

Once I got outside was when the bad stuff hit again.  The longing, the alone-ness, the pain.  Halfway to my car I was a sobbing wreck, a counterpoint to all of the drunken revelrie going on around me.  My car ride home was a discussion with her about how much I wanted that night to be about "us".  How we should be walking back to her apartment, drunk and laughing; we should be in her bed making love; we should be laying together laughing and telling stories; we should be holding each other and saying "i love you" until we both fall asleep. 

The first morning of 2007 I woke up alone in my own bed.  I didn't have a hang over, so at least that was right.