Sometimes I get into a weird mood.  I'll be having a strange day, something will have set me off, and that's when I get this desire, no... this urge.  It will build in me until I sate it.  I will come to a breaking point, and then and only then will I go to a very special place and find myself needing to do it 

Think back.  Recall when we were younger and you would get some Chinese food with your family.  You would plow through the General Tso's chicken, shovel messy forkfuls of rice into your mouth, and drown it all down with bubbly soda, all in anticipation of that most sacred of confections... the fortune cookie?  Do you remember what great mysteries were answered within the flaky, sweet confines of this tasty little treat?

Yeah, neither do I. 

Fortune cookies have always been a meeting of two things: tastiness and absolutely lazy fortune-telling.  Reading a fortune cookie fortune is like getting your palm read by Varla, the Gypsie that took the short bus to Divination school. 

I used to collect fortune cookie fortunes.  I had a sunglasses snap case that I stored them in.  I had collected fifty, maybe seventy five of them over the course of about a year.  Then I realized that this was a dumb thing to do. 

I offer these two very real fortunes as proof. 

01: "Wish you a long life." 

commentary:  Who does?  Who's wishing me a long life?  And is it just me, or does this statement seem ominous, like the old curse "I wish you an interesting life"?

02: "A carrot a day may keep cancer away."

commentary:  REALLY?!  No fucking shit?  It "may" keep cancer away?  You know what else might?  Fucking cigarettes.  Unlikely, I know, but they might.  Cancer "may" be unsettled by cigarette smoke.  You never know.  The only way that this fortune could feel like more of a put on is if it were simply "I like apples."