Last night I sang.  It had been a year since I'd done Karaoke last and I couldn't have asked for a better moment to return to it.  It was Tom Boutell's (or boutell 'round here on the ol' LJ) big 37th birthday bash and I knew I needed to be there.  Last year on the same day was what Star and I would later refer to as our "first first date", when she invited me along to go to her friend Tom's birthday bash, the night I asked her if I could ask her out, the first time we kissed.  I wanted to be there for her.  But hell, I also wanted to be there for myself, to have a good time, to be out.  Good friend, wingman and home girl Kirsten, or crowyhead was a long for the the ride and the moral support and it was on. 

Quick aside: Having Kirsten and Sarah, or feanorsgrrl be my wingmen for my return to the dating world is amazing.  I was scared for a while, but they've been ceaselessly supportive.  A thank you to you both.  Just remember, I'm Maverick, you guys can fight it out over who's Goose and Wizard. 

Quick aside the second: I've seen Top Gun too many times.  I am dangerous. 

We walked up the stairs to the second floor of Moriarty's, a local watering hole and karaoke joint in Center City, and I was immersed in a crowd of good friends.  Tom, Glenn, Michelle, the other Michelle, and so many more were hanging around, most drinking ginger ale or water, singing and having a blast.  There were many people there that hadn't seen me since the last birthday party, so I got a lot of "You look really good!"s, which is strange.  I'd forgotten how bad I looked after Star died.  It was heartening to hear that I looked improved.  I felt improved. 

Four pints of lager later and I was having a grand time.  I met plenty of new people, all very fantastic, and caught up with some old friends.  Tom and I compared tattoos, Glenn and I talked of Marillion, I was introduced to boyfriends and girlfriends. 

I hemmed and hawed a bit about what song I would sing.  You see, I had to sing something.  Had to.  I just didn't know what.  My singing voice sadly lacks the depth or intricacy of some of my favourite singers, like Chris Whitely or Jeff Buckley.  My range is a tenor, so what I can sing well(?) is either kind of pop/rock stuff like Incubus, or do some fairly good male approximations of breathy female singers like Fiona Apple.  Rather than confuse people by choosing a song like Fiona's Criminal, I decided to go the other route.  After a toss up between Placebo's "The Bitter End" and an Incubus track, I went with Incubus.  I felt more confident singing it and I knew that I could remember the words without the prompter.  Also, I chose "Wish You Were Here", which just seemed appropriate. 

My song came up next to last in the rotation and I mounted the "stage" with what I hoped looked like confidence.  I grabbed the mic, said another happy birthday to Tom, and said something like "You all should know who I'm singing this for".  I only opened my eyes again about half way through the track, when I heard everyone in the room cheering for me.  Apparently, I can sing. 

When the song ended I walked over and gave Tom a big hug.  We talked for a minute and then it was time to go.  Kirsten and I grabbed our things, went downstairs for a quick smoke, then said our good byes to everyone and drove home, blasting Iggy Pop in the car. 

So here are all of the songs, and the artists that performed them, from my non-meme thing from over here.  I'm not sure how many people were actually trying to guess the responses, but out of the twenty five songs I posted only three were guessed correctly.  Macgrrl and JLPullen, a good job from both of you.  Now hang your heads in shame. 

01 - "When I die and turn to weed, don't let no man come claim my seed." Chris Whitely, "Made From Dirt"
02 - "I surrender all control, To the desire that consumes me whole" Depeche Mode, "Higher Love"
03 - "You could never be strong, You can only be free, And I never asked for the truth, But you owe that to me" My Vitriol, "Game of Pricks", a cover of a fantastic Guided by Voices song
04 - "There is something that you want me to be, It's impossible, can't you see?" Mutual Admiration Society "Sake of the World"
05- "My arms are flailing, Am I a failure?, My God the pressure's on" The Dears, "Warm and Sunny Days"
06- "Beauty lies inside desire, and every wayward heart redeemed" Placebo, "Plasticine"
07- "I bought fifteen cases for my house, my house, all the furniture is in the garage" LCD Soundsystem "Daft Punk is Playing at My House" (as guessed by jlpullen)
08- "When I make tracks I take facts and lay them out for the masses" Fort Minor "High Road"
09- "How do you do it?  This bitter and bloody world, Keep it together and shine for your family"  Sleater-Kinney, "Night Light"
10- "Yeah, I'm from the illest part of the Western Hemisphere, So if you into sight seein don't visit there, It's somewhere between Jersey and Delaware, Philly never scared and them niggaz ain't timid there." The Roots, "In the Music"
11- "I've got a dungeon master's guide, I've got a twelve-sided die."  Weezer, "In the Garage" (as guessed by macgrrl)
12- "Sick for fuzz, Knowing too much, Ain't lightning up my way" Whale, "Deliver the Juice"
13 - " Yo, Okay Computer, Radiohead's knock to the Future Shock like Kurtis at your service" The Roots, "Don't See Us"
14 - "Painted from head to toe and so aroused" Tenacious D, "Rung Dinga Dung (Live)"
15- "Tugging a rhythm to the vision in my head, tugging a rhythm to sight of your lying" A Perfect Circle, "Thinking of You" (as guessed by jlpullen)
16- "He believes if he doesn't stand guard with a knife, I'll make him a slave for the rest of his life" Lhasa del Sol, "Anywhere on this Road"
17- "Everybody, everybody's tryin' to make a dollar, Made Marvin scream, made him want to holler" Luscious Jackson, "One Thing"
18- "Somehow I ended up here in between, where there is always the comfort of knowing I'll never be seen" AFI, "The Despair Factor"
19- "When i used to go out I would know everyone that I saw, Now I go out alone if I go out at all" The Walkmen, "The Rat"
20- "Things are feeling thin, I know, I know, lost my seat again, where I'll go, I'll go." The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "The Pin"
21- "My memory is filling with smoke, Such a relief not to know" Rosanne Cash, "Like a Wave"
22- "So there was only one thing that I could do was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long" Ministry, "Jesus Built my Hot Rod"
23- "Did she seem like before, Could you seem above it all, Be sure to send my love" Doves, "Sky Starts Falling"
24- "I came to in feathers, like leaves taste, you rubbed me together, with claws like we got" Deftones, "Korea"
25- "Help me in , Hold me under, Don't give in, Feel me struggle" Sunna "O.d"

As you can see from this random selection of music, with its eclectic country blues, its fuzzed-out noise metal, its post-Brit Pop guitar tomfoolery, its blast-from-the-past goth/industrial music, its cool-from-four-years-ago indie tracks, its hip-grinding sex music from across the genre borders, and its two deep-in-the-crates Roots tracks, I used to work in a record store. 

Actually, I've worked in two.

I'm a bit of a music nut.  An addict.  A junkie.  I love the stuff, can't get enough really.  Sometimes I'll listen to a song and just need to hear it again.  And on some very rare instances I'll need to listen to one song over and over again. 

I've listened to Matthew Good's "Born Losers"a total of 23 times in the last six days.  I'll probably listen to it another five times today. 

Stolen from my home girl crowyhead   , a non-meme in which I post lyrics from twenty five songs selected at random by my chosen music player. You then take a shot at guessing what the artist and song is from the lyrics.

I honestly don't think that many people on my friends list will get these as I have pretty divergent musical tastes from the rest of you guys. This isn't me throwing the gauntlet or talking shit. I actually quite like that my friends listen to some very different things from me.  I've also noticed that a lot of the music I listen to tends to have some... shall we say abstract lyrics.  Or perhaps completely bug-fuck-crazy when taken outside of context. 

Edit: That's two more down.  The final answers will go up later tonight, so try and get your ideas in before then.  The person with the most correct guesses wins the scorn of his or her friends for being such a music snob. 

01 - "When I die and turn to weed, don't let no man come claim my seed."
02 - "I surrender all control, To the desire that consumes me whole"
03 - "You could never be strong, You can only be free, And I never asked for the truth, But you owe that to me"
04 - "There is something that you want me to be, It's impossible, can't you see?"
05- "My arms are flailing, Am I a failure?, My God the pressure's on"
06- "Beauty lies inside desire, and every wayward heart redeemed"
07- "I bought fifteen cases for my house, my house, all the furniture is in the garage" LCD Soundsystem, "Daft Punk Is Playing At My House" (as guessed by jlpullen)
08- "When I make tracks I take facts and lay them out for the masses"
09- "How do you do it? This bitter and bloody world, Keep it together and shine for your family"
10- "Yeah, I'm from the illest part of the Western Hemisphere, So if you into sight seein don't visit there, It's somewhere between Jersey and Delaware, Philly never scared and them niggaz ain't timid there."
11- "I've got a dungeon master's guide, I've got a twelve-sided die." Weezer, "In the Garage (as guessed by macgrrl)
12- "Sick for fuzz, Knowing too much, Ain't lightning up my way"
13 - "Yo, Okay Computer, Radiohead's knock to the Future Shock like Kurtis at your service"
14 - "Painted from head to toe and so aroused"
15- "Tugging a rhythm to the vision in my head, tugging a rhythm to sight of your lying" A Perfect Circle, "Thinking of You" (as guessed by jlpullen)
16- "He believes if he doesn't stand guard with a knife, I'll make him a slave for the rest of his life"
17- "Everybody, everybody's tryin' to make a dollar, Made Marvin scream, made him want to holler"
18- "Somehow I ended up here in between, where there is always the comfort of knowing I'll never be seen"
19- "When i used to go out I would know everyone that I saw, Now I go out alone if I go out at all"
20- "Things are feeling thin, I know, I know, lost my seat again, where Ill go, I'll go."
21- "My memory is filling with smoke, Such a relief not to know"
22- "So there was only one thing that I could do was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long"
23- "Did she seem like before, Could you seem above it all, Be sure to send my love"
24- "I came to in feathers like leaves taste, you rubbed me together with claws like we got"
25- "Help me in , Hold me under, Don't give in, Feel me struggle"

I've found a new name for my entirely imaginary blues-infused rock band.  It is called We Are Snake, after a phenomenal quote from the kid genius and musical prodigy the bug, son of nodeva. 

On another music-related note, I've finally gotten the last Hold Steady album.  So yes, all of you people that know my musical taste and have told me over the last year that I would love these guys, I've got it now.  Any other suggestions?  What are you all listening to right now?  (Well, not specifically right now... you know what I mean.)

I just got finished putting together a pretty good soundtrack for Star's party, and now I'm shaking.  Not violently mind you, just these strange little nervous quakes in my stomach.  We listened to a lot of music together, and to go through all of those songs again and cobble them together, that was.. rough.  There's music on this thing that we talked about, hung out to, danced to, made love to...

It took me weeks to be able to listen to any kind of music again after Star died.  (why was it so hard to type that right there?  it gets harder to say nowadays too... weird.)  Songs would speak to me, like little notes passed to me from wherever she is.  Now I can listen to a lot of things again, but there's still the connection in my brain to moments that float in my imagination like unpopped soap bubbles.   Sometimes they make me maudlin and sad, sometimes they make me happy and inspire in me the desire to dance.  I get the feeling that she would prefer the second option. 

But going through her song collection, from cool indie stuff (The Decemberists), to classic rock (Bread, the Beatles), to jazz (Ella and Billie), to the cheeziest stuff ever (Cinderella, baby?  Really?), it puts me in mind of her again.  And just like more that I recall of her or learn about some fun detail, I feel like every once in a while I fall in love with her a little more. 

The new El-P LP is out now, "I'll Sleep When You're Dead", and holy shit is it fantastic. 

For those that don't know, El-P is a deep underground rapper, with his own label in Def Jux.  Imagine Philip K. Dick rapping about the future and terrible-ass stuff over beats made by Trent Reznor while he's robotripping.  Now make it a thousand times better than that. 

With guest appearances by the afore-mentioned Trent Reznor, Cedric from The Mars Volta and At the Drive-In fame, and Cat Power, this is the first hot disc of 2007 in my mind.  I'm more than a little partial to the track Habeas Corpses, with a sick flow about a totalitarian society and a guard falling in love with a prisoner in the concentration camp he works in.  The whole damn thing is top shelf though. 

For the uninitiated, here's the video for Stepfather Factory, off of his last album. 

A couple of people asked about the playlist that I employed at Tee Vee Partee, as apparently Ihave excellent taste in music.  I was already under the impression that everyone knew how cool I am. 

It's a new year.  One which Star hasn't seen, as vis_major was so astute as to point out.  This had been a thought on my mind as well and I have to confide that I had been dreading New Year's.

I didn't like the idea that I was going to be in a month, let alone a year, that Star hadn't seen.  She'd never had the chance to date something with a little 1/2007 or something.  I was going somewhere that she couldn't, and that just doesn't seem right. 

We hadn't really talked about it much.  We were too concerned with getting through the christmas fandango to discuss New Year's, but I do know that we would have gone to Sex Dwarf for the Eve bash.  All of her/our/now my friends would have been there, she loved the club like crazy and I liked to watch her dance. 

I hadn't thought about New Year's since Star died.  Actually, that's a lie. I'd silently dreaded New Year's and wanted desperately to think of anything else.  The ball dropping, the cheers, the kissing.  All of that was... well, it was painful. 

My plan was to hide out in my apartment.  Possibly play some video games.  Then likely crawl into bed and fine a way to miserable myself to sleep.  This is not how things worked out. 

Dan had fallen ill.  He had a throat/nose/fever thing that was quite terrible.  Barely talking, sweating and pale, Dan was obviously not going to make it to the bash.  Neil insisted that I take his ticket and go.  I waffled for a little bit, but then thought to myself that maybe this was right, that I sohuld be there. 

Not that Dan being sick was right, mind you.  I'm not happy that Dan is sick and am actually still quite worried. 

So I go over the Ravipinto/McGarry residence and pick up the ticket.  Then Neil and I get into what would become a two and a half hour long conversation about life, gaming, Star, and other bits of importance.  We were in his dining room, talking over plates of delicious brown rice and veggies, when Neil said something very smart.  Something to the effect of "If I don't learn from Star and live my life to the fullest , then it'll be like Star meant nothing."

It's funny how absolutely right that is, and how I hadn't thought of it.  If I just curl up in a box somewhere, then how is that a true legacy for Star?  What does that say about her and how important she is to me?  It hit me in an almost literal way.  I felt Neil's words in my stomach flipping around like butterflies and dragonflies. 

The two of us headed over to the club at around nine o'clock.  We ate food, we drank drinks, we had a toast to Star that involved drinking to her and then immediately dancing.  Upstairs was still covered in the stars that the DJ Robert Drake southstman had put up from the previous Sex Dwarf event in memory of Star.  I found myself grateful to at least be surrounded by her.  And it felt okay.  Not great, but okay. 

I did my favourite thing to do at clubs: stand off to the side on a riser and watch everyone dance.  I love feeling that energy, when everyone bumps and sways with the music and becomes a synchopated machine.  When it reaches a pitch, that's when I go in and start sweating and grinding.  And I learned how to dance at gay night clubs, so most of my dance moves involve the sweating and the grinding. 

As midnight hit I leaned against a wall, missing her, and shouted along with New Year's Day by U2. 

"All is quiet on New Year's Day,
A wolrd in white gets under way.
Oh, I want to be with, be with you night and day,
but nothing changes on New Year's Day."

Of course it had to be that song that greeted the new year. 

It was time for me to go, so I walked through the crowd and grabbed Josh and Jill/babyraven and Sam/mouserobot and hugged them and said happy new year.  I made my way to the stairs back down when I turned back to Sam and we smiled at each other.  Then he lifted up his hands and threw the devil horns.  I couldn't fight back my smile and put my horns out to him. 

On the way down the stairs I looked down, as I always do because I'm a down-walker, and I saw on the carpeting a little star sticker.  I picked it up and put it in my pocket. 

Once I got outside was when the bad stuff hit again.  The longing, the alone-ness, the pain.  Halfway to my car I was a sobbing wreck, a counterpoint to all of the drunken revelrie going on around me.  My car ride home was a discussion with her about how much I wanted that night to be about "us".  How we should be walking back to her apartment, drunk and laughing; we should be in her bed making love; we should be laying together laughing and telling stories; we should be holding each other and saying "i love you" until we both fall asleep. 

The first morning of 2007 I woke up alone in my own bed.  I didn't have a hang over, so at least that was right.