Lately I've been tired.  It's been a real thing, apparent to people immediately upon seeing me.  I saw kfringe about two weeks back and he remarked how tired I looked.  He said I seemed... slow.  Like I had been trapped in vaseline.  It's a hard point to argue, really.  Work has been exactly what one would expect: annoying, long, and frustrating.  Also, and this is probably pretty obvious to most, last week marked one year since my girlfriend Star died.  I wasn't exactly feeling up to snuff. 

The day of the anniversary itself, one of three anniversaries I think of when thinking of Star, was strange.  I was angry for most of it, just terribly angry.  The kind where you growl your words out between gritted teeth, where you are so exhausted by your anger that you need to sleep.  I couldn't really be around people.  I spent most of the day locked up in my apartment, occupying myself with little things. 

At eleven o'clock that night I went down to see her.  That's what I call it when I go to see her memorial at Rittenhouse Square, "going to see her".  And it turned me around.  I had wanted to go earlier in the day, in the late morning, but I just couldn't bring myself to it yet.  I'd needed time.  So I went at eleven and we talked.  I just blathered on for a while about her, us, me, and after an hour or so I actually felt calmer, relaxed.  I smiled, I joked.  I felt like I'd maybe figured things out a little more. 

I rode that for days.  Quit smoking for a little while.  Saw nodeva , Tim, and the little man, sarcasmom and Glenn, which was incredible fun.  Those people make a guy feel loved. 

Today... well, today I feel different.  I don't feel so good.  I feel tired again.  But let's not talk about that right now.  Maybe I'll say something tomorrow morning.  Tonight, I just want to leave this on a happy thought. 

Used to be I'd post an entry here just about every other day.  Been a while since my last and that one was about some dice that I got in the mail.  I'm feeling like I should maybe put up some new stuff as I don't really get afforded the opportunity to see most of the people I know in casual social situations. 

A week ago this past sunday I spent some time with nodeva and her family.  Got together, had some dinner, had some wine, watched some children's programming.  It was good getting to hang our with Debbie and Tim.  I don't really get the chance to see them that much though I try to as often as I can.  Being around them is just good.  We talked about movies and books, travel, the army and life in an army family.  The food was spectacular; some risotto, grilled vegetables.  Delicious.  I also got to hang out with the little bug a fair amount.  That kid is way too much fun.  It was getting on late and I didn't want to be keeping the family up, so I said it was time for me to go.  Of course, the little man has to say "Don't go, Michael."  Damn that kid's got a way of breaking my heart. 

Works been going as well, of course.  Got robbed about a week ago.  Nothing too bad.  Happened after we were closed so nobody was there to get hurt.  Guy got in and stole some accessory crap and a couple of defective games.  Haven't had the chance to watch the security camera footage yet, but I have it on good word that it is "hilarious". 

Had some friends, including macgrrl, over on tuesday night and I cooked them dinner and we watched Heat.  I absolutely freaking love that movie.  I'm a bit of a heist/caper/crime/noir/darkscarybadpeople movie guy, so Heat definitely hits all of the appropriate buttons.  And the food turned out good.  The rice was spicy, the tatertots were nice and crunchy, the burgers were medium rare and, so I'm told, really quite good.  Nice to know a vegetarian can still cook a slab of meat well. 

Got word from my father the other day.  My grandfather, my mother's father, is in the hospital.  I don't know too much at all really, just that his legs apparently went numb and he wasn't able to walk.  He's also been using an oxygen tank at times over the past couple of months.  I'm far from a doctor, but that sounds like the stuff that happens when a person has a stroke, yeah?  My family is going to try and get down to Virginia to see him this weekend and I'm going to try and go along.  I should be able to arrange some sort of something at work to get the time away. 

And now it's off to work.  Iced coffee and an egg and cheese sandwich are in my immediate future. 

It's twelve o'clock, or there abouts, and it's my day off.  The one day off that I get where I actually get to spend the afternoon on my own, doing my own thing, hanging out, relaxing. 

But not today.  Not this tuesday.

As most of you know, I work for a major video game retailer in a management capacity.  (That sounds kind of cool when I phrase it like that.  Maybe I should say that more often.)  Also, today is the advance release for God of War II (click link for loud, flash-driven official site), the sequel to one of the few PS2 games that was actually worth more than ten minutes of play.  Unlike most PS2 games (i.e.: unimaginitive, repetitive, not actually fun to play), GoW was an action platformer that was undeniably cool. 

Sorry, I'm still bitter about the death of the Dreamcast. 

Anyway.  Out of all of my coworkers, I'm the only one of us that has a car.  This means that when the shipment arrives later today, I'm meant to go all the way to Cheltenham and pick it up.  A forty minute drive for thirty five copies of GoW II so that seventy people can come in the store and try and buy it and we can be out of stock. 

The responsibilities of management. 

I hate to dog those people that read this and work non-retail jobs, but I really think that all of you get paid more than I for what amounts to a lot less work and frustration.  Remember when you were twenty two, working your way through that last year of undergrad by folding clothes at the Gap or selling CDs at Tower or slinging soda at a movie theatre?  You know how you look back on those times and you're thankful that you're no longer doing that?  Well, I'm still here, and God can I not wait until I get through with my teacher's certification. 

Things have changed at work.  My email touched some things off with my district manager.  She called me up at work and we talked about the things that needed to be done in order ro ensure a safer work environment.  Many more hours to keep the store at double coverage at all times, securtiy camera reapairs, the possiblity of adding a security guard to the store.  All in all, not a bad day's work. 

Yesterday was the first day operating under the new parameters.  I opened the store along with one other person.  It was very helpful to have him there as we could both get things done, a strange new concept for me. Games were put away, tasks accomplished, paperwork completed, and customers were helped, all at the same time.  On top of that, we weren't at any time robbed. 

Scene:  Friday night, late evening.  Dan Ravipinto and Michael O'Sullivan stand in a small crowd of gamers at a New Jersey-based Role-Playing game convention.

Michael:  (looking concerned) How are you feeling?
Dan:  Okay.  You know...
Michael:  Yeah.
Dan: (looking concerned) How are you?
Michael: Well, y'know... I'm fine.  As long as I keep busy, as long as I'm doing something, then I'm fine.  But when I stop...
Dan:  (smiles) Yeah... I know. 

Friday  Went off to work a bit late.  Not a big deal because 1) I don't care about work that much and 2) it was a pretty light morning and not a lot needed doing during opening.  I listened to podcasts on the way in to work, people talking about comic books or role-playing games.  I have a hard time listening to music sometimes.  Strange, that, being the music snob that I am.  Stopped off at Dunkin Donuts for an iced coffee and a breakfast sandwich. 

Yes.  I know.  Iced coffee.  Leave me alone. 

Work was largely uneventful.  Only had one angry customer that day, so it's becoming obvious that the post-holiday thrash is over.  I am thankful.  Still, work grates on me.  Customers don't seem to care about anyone, and I am largely unsympathetic to their desires or predicaments. 

I grab a copy of the World of Warcraft expansion for Zoe.  I'm mulling over grabbing it for myself, though I'm not sure the expansion is needed.  I'll not be getting my character up anywhere near sixtyeth level, let alone seventyeth, and I've no desire to play either of the two new races.  I'm relly more excited about playing Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures.  I mean, an MMO set in the world of the Conan books?  Do I need to say more. 

After work it's a rush.  Drive down to 19th and Spring Garden to pick up Zoe.  Break across Vine and hit 8th and Walnut to grab Camden from work, then it's a trip over the Ben Franklin Bridge and up the 95s to central Jersey.  Camden is visiting his family for the weekend, and Zoe and I are going to a gaming convention. 

Star and I had made plans to go to the convention together.  Big plans.  It was supposed to be our first couple's vacation.  We were going to go up there for five days.  I was to run a couple of sessions of my game, Criminal Element, and she was going to play around the convention.  Then there would be evenings and early mornings spent going into town and eating foods and doing things. 

At first I couldn't bring myself to go.  I cancelled all of my slots for Criminal Element.  It was off the map.  Then other things happened.  I was trading some emails back and forth with a writer that I really respect and like and he was talking about going to the con.  Then Dan said that he was still going to go.  My psychology changed on it and I found myself needing to go.  I was looking down the edge of a cliff and waiting to jump. 

So I enlisted Zoe to be my spotter and we were off.  Didn't get there until 7.45, just moments before the last games of the night sat down for play.  I scooped up some books and found a Sorcerer table for Zoe and I to sit in on and play at.  The session was entertaining, mainly because of the desire of the players at the table to make it entertaining.  The GM threw out a good number of the rules that makes Sorcerer work.  No kickers, he wasn't hitting us with bangs of any sort, he rolled initiative as a seperate roll from actions, yada yada.  I wound up giving my character a kicker of his own, something that involved a missing former lover and a need for retribution.  Jesus fucking Christ, I really need to stop being a player and just GM.  I let out way too much of the personal shit when I've only got one character to control. 

The session wrapped and it was time to go.  I wound up running into game writer and all around nice guy Judd/ judd_sonofbert and we got to talking for a little bit.  We don't really know each other that well.  I'm a sort of satelite guy in the Indie Gaming system, and Judd's a bunch closer to the sun, as it were, but we met up at last year's Dexcon and he was a great cat.  He had convinced me to bring Criminal Element to Dreamation this year, so I felt that I had to tell him why I wasn't running it.  I wound up telling him about Star, and apologizing for having told him.  He was incredible about it, very concerned and everything.  I wound up also talking to him about the Star Fund auction and donating some signed books to it, which he was totally on-board for.  Like I said, good guy. 

Then it was a drive home at one in the morning.  Zoe and I talked about all sorts of things: music, gaming, what have you.  The topic eventually found its way to Star and we talked about her for a while.  We stopped at Wendy's for food, the first I'd eaten since breakfast, and I smoked some cigarettes and I was in bed at around three in the morning.

Saturday  I woke up at around nine o'clock, to be at work at nine o'clock.  Yeah.  Apathetic. 

I got into work about fifteen minutes prior to opening, a chocolate muffin and a coke in hand.  Opening routine done with, I simply sat around and waited for the customers.  Of which there were more than a few. 

Saturdays at work can be alright.  The mornings aren't ever terribly busy, mostly mothers looking to but stuff for their kids.  By the time the swing shift worker gets in it's just starting to get busy.  Three thirty rolls around and I'm out the door.  The day winds up being tiring but not exhausting.  Throw in a late night and a ton of driving from the previous day though, and I'm dragging ass.

I get home at four o'clock, check the email, and call Neil.  There were plans, you see, to sit around and watch the Alien trilogy (see what I did there?), or maybe play some board games.  We talked, I told him I would be over shortly, then sat down for a minute to catch my breath. 

It was six o'clock when I woke up.  A second call was placed to Neil and I ran over his place.  I'd already missed Alien and Aliens, but they had been kind enough to hold out on playing Alien3, my favourite of the set. 

We sat, we watched, we talked about puppies and shaved pubes and herpes and other bad things.  We laughed more than a little.  We were there until midnight.  I drove Sam home, all the while talking about music from our younger days.  Again I was at home and asleep at three.

Sunday  Today I get another tattoo.  I also drive back out to Jersey to pick up Camden, then it's off to go see Smoking Aces. 

Keeping busy.